Hitting Reset pt. 5 – Relationships
August 22, 2009
It is inevitable in life – but especially in the life of a leader – to avoid relational friction. Leaders are called upon to make decisions and any time a hard line decision is made, there will be some who disagree.
Leaders have the peculiar task of building authentic relationships with the people they lead while exercising discernment on who is brought into the inner sanctum of that leader’s life. That can be a tight rope at times.
I was always taught that familiarity breeds contempt. And for the vast majority of the time I have witnessed this statement to be true. It takes a grave amount of maturity to truly befriend a leader, to see him or her for all of their weaknesses, imperfections and shortcomings, and never be tempted to criticize, exploit, demean or disrespect. MOST of us simply do not have this level of maturity. Depending on our own personal weaknesses, the temptation is just too great.
So what are our options as leaders? In my life, I have witnessed and at times fallen on both sides of the spectrum: bringing people way too close way too fast and giving every person who was even slightly suspicious the heisman.
The brutal reality is that leaders get hurt. Within every relationship lies the inherent risk of offense, betrayal, and disappointment. It is necessary.
I have found a few ways of hitting reset in my relationships that have suffered some collateral damage on the leadership mission:
1. Forgiveness: this is absolutely essential. If love is the oxygen of relationships – forgiveness is the lungs. A young man recently taught me some great tips on forgiveness. You must identify the action or the offense, identify the feeling or emotion that was produced by that action, identify the judgment that was created, and release that person. Most relational conflicts and consequently breakdowns are the result of the inability to relationally hit reset.
2. Honest Communication: it seems that we are most willing to talk to any one and every one but the person with whom we are having issues. Hitting reset means knowing what pertinent issues to address and which ones to dismiss.
3. Ownership: I’m a huge fan of ownership. In relational offense, it’s amazing how much grace can be released for just an ounce of ownership. Hitting reset relationally means that I honestly evaluate what I can and should own in the equation.
4. Change: Being a leader or even being a Christian leader doesn’t mean that we are martyrs. If someone has not demonstrated trustworthiness of character in the relationship, the odds of a recurring incident not happening are not high. In other words, determine what needed changes must be made to get the relationship back on track and take your…
5. Time: unlike our laptops and ipods, our hearts don’t reset instantly. Forgiveness can happen in an instant but trust is built and rebuilt over time. Hitting reset very simply means that you are willing to undergo the process of rebuilding that trust.
